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I should start this by saying that I’m not dying. I mean, we’re all dying, in a sense, every day. But I don’t think I’m right on the verge of death. Unless you know something I don’t? However, I’ve been thinking about those things I’d like to accomplish before I pass on to the great Writer’s Workshop in the sky.

Here’s what I have so far.

1. Sing White Rabbit at a karaoke bar while wearing a kimono.

2. Insult an asshole in front of a room full of people; deliver the insult on a microphone. Then drop the mic and back away, all awesome-like.

  • 2a. (I’ll go back and pick up the mic to make sure it’s not broken.)

3. Have an astrophysicist tell me I’m right about something.

4. Send my uterus to police academy. Have it catch a serial killer.

5. Create an Illuminati-like organization that takes control of the world’s supply of women’s cheap, see-through clothing. Burn said clothing.

6. Meet the real Batman.

  • 6a. In the event he cannot be summoned, meet the X-Men.
  • 6b. In the event they cannot be located, meet the Thundercats.

7. Live every day like it’s Halloween.

8. Climb to the top of Mount Doom with the assistance of a Hobbit Sherpa.

9. Try to end more sentences with: “…in the autumn at harvest time during a full moon.”

10. Foster a Republican.

11. Go to Oxford, England to meet their mascot, the Oxford Comma.

12. Rid the world of dodgeball.

13. Record someone grunting in a public restroom + Autotune = YouTube success.

14. End sexism, racism, classism, jingoism, ageism, absolutism, alcoholism. Promote absurdism and anthropomorphism.

15. Finish a Russian novel.

16. Rush a Finnish sorority.

17. Make those who loved the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy go to therapy.

18. Visit the spider who created the world wide web.

19. Learn everything about fiction writing by watching reality TV.

20. Become immortal.

Boy, I’d better get going. What are some of your bucket list items?