We all know that my love of cookies is well documented. I am okay with that. However, come January I am bombarded at supermarket checkout lines about how I could lose half my body weight with only ten minutes of exercise and get my life back! (I am looking at you, People Magazine.) Listen, I get it. We need to exercise more and put down the junk food once in a while. However, I hate the constant stream of guilt that women face because we no longer have the body or metabolism of a twenty-something. And January is the worst month for that. I imagine magazine shareholders cackling gleefully while tenting their fingers and snorting, “Oh, you enjoyed that cookie, did you? Well, while you have a second cookie, why don’t you have an extra serving of GUILT.”
Well, maybe not.
I also understand that selling magazines is a business, and it is a lot easier to sit and read about how to run a mile vs. actually getting up and running a mile. That being said, I have decided to review a few “fad” diets and give you my actual take on them.
Eat like our ancestors! They were all stick thin, healthy and lived to a ripe old age of 25. Eat berries, avoid processed sugars. Anything you can grab off a tree is fair game. Caterpillars are protein too, people. No coffee? Please, being chased by a wild boar is all the wake-up I need!
Eat for your blood type! I have a blood type of A- (I never could get that damn A. Even my blood type falls short. Sorry, Mom.) Apparently type A’s have a high level of stress and react strongly. (No kidding….that explains my desire to stab my eye out with a fork when I get stuck behind someone who can’t figure out the self-checkout.) Therefore, according to this diet, I should eat plenty of vegetables and avoid sugar, starch, caffeine, and anything that might raise my blood pressure. Also practice light exercise like yoga. Granted, me without coffee while hanging my head upside down in downward dog will not help my stress levels. True fact: I practice yoga with regularity. Also a true fact: I have a magnet hanging in my office that says, “I will kick your ass at yoga. Namaste.” This is how I handle my stress. By taking that away, you will give me an ulcer. This adds to my stress. Do you see a pattern? Don’t screw with my coffee.
Get rid of carbs for two weeks. Lose a bunch of weight. Be grouchy. Eat carbs again. Gain weight back. Still be grouchy.
This might be my favorite. Seriously. You drink juice for three to sometimes seven days. Sometimes you can even buy fancy juice and have it mailed to you like you are Gwyneth Paltrow. (Hint: you are not Gwyneth.) Supposedly this detoxes your body. How? By getting rid of toxins. Yeah, um, I can’t speak for you, but my intestines are apparently overachievers since I can detox without the help of an overpriced green liquid. It is called being an evolved homosapien.
So there you have it. My advice: eat a cookie, run around a bit, eat some leafy greens, and don’t forget to have some fruit once in awhile…None of this will kill you.