Jon Stewart, Sexy Beast Smartypants Dreamboat Captain Big Daddy Studmuffin*

Tags

celebrity crushes, Jon Stewart, Richard Simmons, Stephen Colbert, The Daily Show

Yours truly, at a taping of The Daily Show, with my hand over Jon Stewart’s poster crotch. I’m pixilated because my molecules were excited. And yes, I wear cartoon sunglasses indoors.

I am not, as they say, a celebrity whore. I don’t subscribe to the notion that there are some people out there who deserve worship above others based on a random series of fortuitous events. No sir. Celebrities certainly live better than the rest of us, but that doesn’t mean they are better. Maybe some are. Some are not. I know that I am, at least, better than Charlie Sheen. You are, too. I don’t take it on face value that celebrities deserve our undivided attention because the celebrity industrial complex deems it so.

However, what I lack in overall interest, I make up for by intensely liking a select few celebrities who I feel are exceptional. This might be because they are very good at what they do or because of their overall humaneness, often helped along by being mind-blowingly attractive. The celebrities that I would probably stop on the street include Stevie Nicks, Mark Ruffalo, and Richard Simmons. (If I ever get to meet Richard Simmons, I will give him a big hug for being the brightest pair of hot shorts in a granny panties kind of world.)

The top of my list is Jon Stewart. Why? Of course he’s wicked smart, and therefore, attractive. So is his face. When he dies (NEVER), I hope he donates his brain to science so we can understand the secret formula to being witty, good at imitations, reasonable, and humbly self-deprecating. We’ll bottle this essence and call it, “L’Eau de Stew Beef.”

But words can only accomplish so much. You want the data to prove it. So what I’d like to do right now is run down a list of why Jon Stewart is the king of the world, demonstrating his superiority with research. Namely, photos and videos.

LET’S DO THIS.

Jon Stewart is handsome.
Then.
Now.
Forever.

I don’t think that can be emphasized enough.

Jon Stewart has dimples.
A dimple is where god kissed you. Or where he drilled into your face with his finger. Either way! It makes you special.

(Courtesy of Wrong Turn Into Yesterday)

Jon Stewart is left-handed.
This means he has a sensitive side. And probably terrible handwriting.

Jon Stewart’s voice is deep and he’s good at impressions.
Just listen to his mob boss imitation.

Jon Stewart handily takes on conservative pundits.
Bill O’Reilly is a turd.

 

Rush Limbaugh is the son of a turd.

Jon Stewart-as-Glenn Beck is a very cute son of a son of a turd.

Jon Stewart cares about animals.
I’m convinced that the mark of any good human being is that they care for non-human animals. I MEAN LOOK AT THIS.

Jon Stewart is a Mets fan.
Because of course he is.

On the eighth season, Jon created Stephen Colbert from his rib. And lo, it was good.
Most importantly, they love each other.

(Courtesy of Bustopher Jones)

Jon Stewart has chest hair.
And it looks delightful.

 

When Jon Stewart gets into a fight, everybody wins.
And he gets a friend to help him.

Jon Stewart writes books.
Amazing books.

Jon Stewart is trustworthy.
Some might say he’s the most trusted man in America.

And because of these.
This.
And this.

Jon Stewart is a national treasure for all of this and more. He is a comedian in the medieval sense, the jester that points out what’s wrong with the aristocracy right to the face of the laughing king. He is what the media is supposed to be. He is fact in a world of fabrications and manipulations. He is a trained hypocrisy spotter. And he does all of this with wit, charm, precision, and a mischievous grin. Finally, and most importantly, Jon Stewart seems like a decent human being.

 

* My husband gave me the idea for this post.