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There are many wonderful things on the Internet. Cats live inside the Internet, for example. And people use a lot of exclamation points to show their emotions online. Not to mention all the naked people you can find on here, too.

But I think I’ve stumbled upon the bestest Internet something yet!

I’ve seen Mad Men. I work in marketing. I know how much thought and preparation, how many mid-day Scotch breaks go into a successful advertising campaign. So when I saw these twisted food ads from the 1950s, it confirmed my suspicion that Satan works in advertising. These ads are so ironically unappetizing, so White, that one wonders whether a hipster traveled back in time to create them.

The only thing I could do to make sense of the ads was caption them.

She's excited to finally try someone's mashed kidney on her white bread.

She’s excited to finally try someone’s mashed kidney on her white bread.

He knows what happens when one eats beans, and he plans on sharing that joy with his kid sister.

He knows what happens when one eats beans, and he plans on sharing that joy with his kid sister.

“My god! After years of ham, peas, and slick, gelatinous yams, I've finally gone blind!”

“My god! After years of ham, peas, and slick, gelatinous yams, I’ve finally gone blind!”

“What? You don't eat the intestines of your enemies while wearing a clip-on? Savages.”

“What? You don’t eat the intestines of your enemies while wearing a clip-on? Savages.”

Hey, little girl. That’s not chocolate cake.

Hey, little girl. That’s not chocolate cake.

OK – I get that you can grill meat in your fireplace. I also get that their mother appears to be having an argument with the fridge. But that kid playing the accordion? Just another day in the nuthouse, I guess.

OK – I get that you can grill meat in your fireplace. I also get that their mother appears to be having an argument with the fridge. But that kid playing the accordion? Just another day in the nuthouse, I guess.

Nothing phallic to marvel at here! Move along!

Nothing phallic to marvel at here! Move along!

I don't know what this is advertising, but I just remembered that I need to pick up garbage bags and practice my scowling.

I don’t know what this is advertising, but I just remembered that I need to practice my scowling.

“Ice cream for White people! Get your White people ice cream here!”

“Ice cream for White people! Get your White people ice cream here!”

Dude. Calm down.

Dude. Calm down.

“Mother, what did we discuss? Whoever has the hot dog controls the radio. Father taught us that. And if you wear that top any lower, you’ll look like a convertible.”

“Mother, what did we discuss? Whoever has the hot dog controls the radio. Father taught us that. And if that top was any lower, you’d be a convertible.”

Gee willikers! I love frozen hand for dinner!

“Gee willikers! I love frozen hand for dinner!”

I like to call this, "Dr. Kevorkian's Hot Dog Express to Hell."

I like to call this, “Dr. Kevorkian’s Hot Dog Express to Hell.”

My cat vomited this yesterday.

My cat vomited this yesterday.

“Are you constipated? Has Velveeta got the cure for you!”

“Are you constipated? Has Velveeta got the cure for you!”

So eff all you vegetarian mofos.

So eff all you vegetarian mofos.

If you like these photos, you can buy them over here. Sicko.

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