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I have crawled out from my fortress of sicknessin order to bring you this post.

I have caught the winter cooties, and I am less than pleased. Now that I have turned the corner and am beginning to see the light again, I am pleased to share my secrets on how to feel better – or at least not lose your ever-loving mind while being trapped inside.

1. Try to take at least one day (ideally two) off from work. I know that we all don’t have this luxury – however, if you do, take it. Ted from accounting does not want your germs while you hand over your TPS reports, and Irene from IT definitely does not want to touch your keyboard while you are wheezing and are locked out of MS Outlook. Again.

2. Pho chicken noodle soup from that somewhat-suspect Thai place is a godsend. Make sure they give you extra hot sauce. For twenty glorious minutes while you slurp your pho, you might be able to inhale and exhale from both nostrils. Bonus if you can do this while your mouth is closed.

3. Drink tea. Drink tea with honey, lemon, and whiskey. I don’t care that it is ten in the morning, Miss Manners can suck it. Honey is good for your throat and whiskey (doesn’t even have to be fancy – in this case, the cheaper the better) will knock you out. This works better if you took a sick day and are home. I am not sure your boss will like you imbibing at your desk.

4. Take a shower. Yes, I know your polar bear fleece bottoms and concert t-shirt from 1997 are hella comfortable. However, you probably smell and are covered in cooties. Take a hot shower. Try some of that fancy Kiss my Face cold and flu body wash and just inhale. When you are done, you might resemble a human person. But don’t get too excited….you are still not human. And if you are like me, your hair probably resembles Syndrome from The Incredibles.

syndrome

A. is a lucky, lucky man.

5. Watch crappy TV. In fact, you aren’t truly sick unless you watch “The Price is Right” while hiding under a mound of used tissues. You will most likely win all the games since apparently having a cold/the flu allows you to exercise your super power of guessing the correct price of a bag of frozen broccoli. (Note to self: According to Drew Carey, you are overpaying for frozen broccoli.)

6. Eat animal crackers. I don’t know why, but certain things taste better when you are sick. Animal crackers and ginger ale are two such things. This is because of SCIENCE.

The seals are extra delicious

The seals are extra delicious.

7. Sleep as much as possible. If you share a bed with someone, kick them out and tell them to sleep elsewhere lest they be awakened by your post-nasal drip snoring/gagging. And also grossed out.

8. When you start to feel better, don’t overdo it. I took the dog out for a walk this morning and got winded halfway up the block. Luckily the dog is lazier than I am and was happy to go back home and go to bed. Later, we will try to attempt the entire block. (No promises though, my dog is pretty damn lazy.)

These are my tips – hopefully your cooties will be short-lived, and you can go back to causing chaos in your various lives. In the meantime, you can find me in my fortress of sickness where I plan to be for the next few hours watching Law & Order. (That Lenny Briscoe – what a cutup!)

1A down comforter pulled over my head while surrounded by pillows on my couch.

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