Gird your bananas. The greatest show on the planet, Arrested Development, is coming back tonight on Netflix.
Are you ready? You don’t want to be left holding the teabag! Maybe even worse – you don’t want to prematurely shoot your wad by trying to download the episodes before the right time (12:01 AM PST and 3:01 AM EST).
Stay cool. Here’s what you can do to prepare yourself in just 15 easy steps – one step for each new episode.
1. Turn off whatever other television shows or movies you might be watching. I don’t care if it’s Boyfights, Girls with Low Self-Esteem, Les Cousins Dangereaux, Scandalmakers, Sugarfoot, or Caged Wisdom. Quality programming all, but you need to give your undivided attention to the great illusion about to unfold before your eyes.
And by illusion, I mean a trick in a magic show. And by trick, I mean a prostitute. And by prostitute, I mean your mother.
2. Get fancy. Put on your favorite jewelry made of beads. Or bees? A bead necklace in the shape of a bee. Or earrings made of bees trapped in beads. Or a ring with a picture of bees beading. Hold the phone! Someone tells me there are actually earrings made out of Beas.
Her? Different TV show but still acceptable, I guess.
3. Similarly, you may be feeling extra dressy considering the occasion. If so, only the right eyebrows will do – the ones made from an alpaca with alopecia. Affix them to your face thusly:
4. Now it’s time to make your favorite meal: a Mayonegg, or an egg dipped in mayo. If you’re feeling really hungry, serve the egg with a side of veal – a.k.a., secular flesh.
5. Open up your favorite bottle of vodka. Take a swig. Take a second. Then another. And another, until it’s finished. Everybody knows that vodka goes bad once it’s opened. If you don’t have any vodka, use Tea for Dong instead.
6. Do you know Hermano? Of course you do. Everybody knows an Hermano. Call him. Ask him if he’ll be watching the episodes tonight with your brother. What’s that? You don’t know where your brother is? I heard he was fighting dragons in the future. Didn’t he leave a note?
7. Make banner! Hang banner! Banner should read, “You’re killing me, Netflix.” (This will be in anticipation of bandwidth problems.)
8. If it’s not quite midnight yet, you might have time for a little pop-pop in the attic. Don’t worry. Your pop secret is safe with me. Just one naughty suggestion, if I may: let Lily lick Lionel’s lusty leathers. You won’t regret it.
9. As the new episodes begin, you may think to yourself, “Oh I’m not prepared for this.” It’s OK. This has been a long time coming and the build-up is intense – like waiting for a call from the Blue Man Group! Relax. Take deep breaths. Loose the seal of your sphincter. Do a little chicken dance to shake out your nerves.
It’s important to release this tension or you will get a build-up of bovem stercore, otherwise known as a condition called BS. This is not maybe, but surely.
10. If you’re hosting guests, refrain from touching them no matter how excited you get. NO TOUCHING or I’ll call the hot cops.
11. If you’re watching with your favorite puppet, make sure all of his kids are accounted for. He’s got them all over town.
12. Snack time! You’ve got to take a break at some point. Try a little English muffin with a side of hot ham water. Delicious. But DO NOT EAT the dead dove in the fridge! If you must use the dead dove, mix it in with whatever ingredients you have in your fridge – celery, Circus Peanuts, olive juice. You’ve got yourself a stew!
13. If someone tries to talk to you during your marathon viewing, turn to them and say, in as cold a voice as you can muster, “I don’t understand the question and I won’t respond to it.” Then condescendingly tell them that they must not be a Milford man.
Alternately, take the nearest Balboa Bay Windows magazine and smack the shit out of that person.
14. When you’re all done watching the 4th season, you may need to take something to help you calm down and reduce the dizzies. I’d recommend a Teamocil. It may cause numbness of the extremities, though, particularly in the Linus area.
15. If all else fails, and watching the 4th Season of Arrested Development has you so worked up that regular life no longer has any meaning, it would be a huge mistake not to do something about it. Let’s talk – I know the name of a great analrapist.