These days my focus is on work, and mostly my lack thereof. I think of my situation as juggling three categories that I could be placed in. The first could be unemployed, the second would be part-time employed, and the third is working as a freelancer.
Since the company I was working at full time closed in January, I went back to freelancing, which is fine on paper, but on the weeks I am not working it becomes a big challenge to my psyche. I know I am working hard and that I have been sending my resume out a lot, but when we get up in the morning and my wife goes off to work and I sit down to check my email and see what I can do today to move things forward, there is definitely a feeling of disappointment that comes over me.
Since January, I had been working freelance gigs pretty consistently up until mid-April. Some gigs pull in more money than others, and there are always others sitting on the horizon as a big maybe. I know I am trying and getting my resume out there, but so far the calls for a full-time job aren’t pouring in, not even a trickle. I know it is hard for many to translate my skill set to an office setting, but I have run crews of people, managed schedules and budgets, and busted my ass for years. I am sometimes overly qualified and still no call. I know my wife isn’t looking down on me, that she knows I am trying really hard and working as much as I can while I keep sending my resume out there for something a little more steady. The question is how many loads of laundry, bathroom cleaning sessions, and dog walks will it take for me to actually feel like I am carrying my weight. It is funny because some of the freelance gigs have pulled in some pretty good money, so it isn’t that I am not contributing, but somehow I still have that knot in my stomach every morning that tells me she is going to work and I am not. In truth, a lot of the time, it makes me feel like I am letting her down.
There is one exception to this, and that is the day that I teach. One day a week I teach film, and it makes me happy on so many levels. I really enjoy helping future filmmakers get their start and challenging them to think more deeply about all of their choices. I have my prep time to get my lesson plan together and of course the actual classroom time where I, even just for the one day, have a purpose.
Here it is Wednesday morning. I am on to my second load of laundry, I made our bed, and now back to the job search.
Tomorrow, lesson plan.