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Dear Dipshit Turd Queen Butt Boil Sarah Palin,

Recently, you said some stuff about Christmas. Namely, that non-Christians are trying to “abort Christ from Christmas.” You said that Thomas Jefferson, were he alive, would have your back on this issue. You said some other things, too, but I started having an immune reaction to your stupid.

At first, I was confused. Had you actually spoken to Thomas Jefferson about Christmas? How did you re-animate him? Didn’t he want to talk about other things after being dead so long – like new technology, current government issues, and what’s up with Harry Styles dating one of the Kardashians?  I was also a little worried about how, biologically-speaking, one can abort a full-grown Biblical figure from the womb of a holiday.

Then I remembered it was you, and that you have a history of blurting out some doozies. I cycled through a bunch of feelings: incredulity, disgust, exasperation. This was me:

very stupid

This so-called “War on Christmas” comes around every year. The Far Right throws out words like “values” and “traditions” and suggests that we are all a hair’s breath away of losing our right to drink eggnog. This is not true. At all. You are free to do whatever you like in regard to your holiday so long as it doesn’t break laws or hurt people. The end, right?

I wish. But you keep insisting. Christmas is precious, you say, and it’s under attack – like a wolf being hunted from a helicopter.

But what, exactly, is so valuable about Christmas that it needs defending? Why is Christmas such a delicate bubble ready to burst if an atheist or non-celebrant gives it the stink eye? Why can’t Christmas take any criticism?

You see, Governor Vice President Fox Talking Head Palin, the longer I thought about the “traditional” values of Christmas, the less I believed those traditions were actually worth defending. I would like to confess to you here and now that, in fact, I am declaring war on certain aspects of Christmas. You heard it here first. I’m ready to do battle over the things you insist others should conform to.

Let’s take a closer look at some of these things.

“Christ” is the reason for Christmas. It’s very odd that Jesus and Santa get put in a blender together every year. If I were Jesus, this would make me so mad I might flip over a table at a bazaar or something. Here’s how it happened: As early Christianity spread through Europe, religious leaders encountered pagans and wanted to convert them to grow their numbers. They noticed that the pagans had many festivals to celebrate the changing seasons, including winter. In an effort to make Christianity more palatable to the heathen hoards, they took a dash of Christianity and a whole heap of paganism and combined them together. And voilà! The celebration of Jesus Christ’s birthday, later known as Christmas, was born. That entire “reason for the season” thing? Arbitrary. Mishmash. Square peg, round hole.

Oh, and Santa? Not related to Jesus Christ. Not even through his sister’s aunt’s second cousin thrice removed by the power vested in the fish monger.

Here’s a sincere question, though: DO YOU THINK JESUS GIVES ONE FLYING FART ABOUT YOU CELEBRATING HIS BIRTHDAY? I mean, as old as he is? Do you think he wants an iPad Mini? What do you possibly get for the son of god who has everything? Shit, he is everything. Alpha and omega, son!

Fact: the Bible makes no mention of an actual birthday, disregarding Jesus’ early life to the extent that one wonders why it even matters. Even by Christian standards, his death has more meaning than his birth. So why are we celebrating it?

Please be a dear and go ask Thomas Jefferson.

In the meantime, I declare war on the idea that Christ is the only reason for the season.

Insisting on “Merry Christmas.” The thing about this: If you can’t understand why people choose to use ”Happy Holidays” in order to encompass all the holidays at this time of year, to include all celebrants in the spirit of goodwill, then you are a big bag of flaming poo. Sure, say “Merry Christmas” if that’s what you celebrate. But if someone wishes you “Happy Holidays” and you feel this umbrella term is not sufficient, YOU ARE WRONG. You are not being oppressed or attacked. Your tradition is not being dismantled. You are not being prevented from celebrating your holiday the way you want to. Someone simply wished you well and you are offended because you are looking for a reason to be nasty.

you triedPop quiz time! Which of the following statements is offensive?

A. “President Obama’s shuck and jive shtick with these Benghazi lies must end…”
B. “Our free stuff today is being paid for today by taking money from our children and borrowing from China. When that money comes due and, this isn’t racist… but it’s going to be like slavery when that note is due. Right? We are going to be beholden to a foreign master.”
C. “We believe that the best of America is in these small towns that we get to visit, and in these wonderful little pockets of what I call the real America…”
D. “Happy Holidays, asshole!”

Trick question. The answer is E. All of the above.

I hereby declare war on your insistence that everyone say “Merry Christmas.” I also declare war on your war against “Happy Holidays.” And finally, I’m declaring war on your understanding of what constitutes offense.

Lying about Santa Claus. An old man watches over you for a year and then breaks into your house to give you things made by his unpaid labor force. He frequents malls so children can sit on his lap. What is the value of this legend? What is the actual moral of this tale? Nothing. Be good, kids, and a creepy old dude will give you nice things. Isn’t this the very thing we warn our children about when out in the wider world?

Anyway, I’m sure you can see how strange this story is. But the strangest part of this sordid tale is the fact that we lie to our children about this guy’s existence. Now, I’m not saying you shouldn’t participate in the fantasy or that you’re bad if you do. By all means, the consequences of doing so are yours alone. You have to deal with the eventual outcome, and if you can – cheers to you. Your children, your choice. They will face greater disappointment in their lives, I’m sure.  For example, discovering that you are, in fact, their real parent.

But from the Christian perspective, this lying thing is in direct opposition to the Ninth Commandment. (I capitalized it because the words were written in stone. Respect!) Liars have a hard time getting into heaven. How did this one lie escape scrutiny when, say, homosexuality (which isn’t even a commandment) gets so much Christian attention? How did the Santa lie slip through?

Seems weird, non?

jesus-stutterI declare war on your justification for lying and your cherry-picking of Christian ethics.

Good behavior = material possession. Life isn’t fair. You may be a do-gooder your whole life and have nothing to show for it except… I don’t know, character? Ugh! Who wants that! Being good in order to get something is the reason for the season! Children wait to see that they’ve made Santa’s Good List because it ensures they get gifts. Christmas equates good behavior with material possession. If this reflected real life in some way, it might be a good lesson for kids. As it stands, this was only true in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and even then – Charlie almost lost the whole shebang because he stole one Fizzy Lifting Drink. Just one!

good day sirChristmas also does a really good job of highlighting income disparity. This girl will not get what she wants for Christmas, even though her desires likely bend toward the creature comforts for which the rest of us don’t even need to ask. No matter how good she is, Santa will not be kind to her. He won’t even visit her. Why does Santa love rich people so much? Is it because he works for Congress? No! It’s because, year after year, we cling to an outdated myth that reiterates inequality. Basically, Christmas is for the Haves.

And the capitalism. Oh the unfettered capitalism! It starts earlier and earlier each year. On Thanksgiving, on Halloween. Mobs crush, violence ensues. People max out their credit cards. Feelings of inferiority abound. Christmas, it seems, is the promise of capitalism delivered in a shitty bow.

What’s that phrase? Something about a rich man getting into heaven and camels going through the eye of a needle? It’s a strange metaphor, sure, but basically: impossible.

I declare war on the way we give gifts at Christmas; good behavior and morals should not be tied to capital reward. I declare war on Christmas capitalism. And on strange metaphors.

People chop down trees. To put them in their homes for a month and then throw them away. Not to mention all the trees killed for wrapping paper, cards, bows. And then there are the plastic toys that take thousands of years to decompose. What are we doing? Are we mindless consumers? Is that what Christmas is? Yes?


I declare war on chopping down trees. I declare war on plastic toys made without care for the Earth. And I hope the sap from your Christmas tree rises while you’re sleeping, forms the shape of that thing from Ghostbusters, and devours all your gifts.

By now, Sarah, you’re probably dismissing me as a Scrooge, a malcontent, insistent upon ruining your good time by examining your traditions too closely. True! I plan to celebrate my version of Christmas. This will include giving to charities, saying “Happy Holidays” to everyone, listening to music by the light of a fake tree, and watching a movie about a certain third-grader struggling with male-pattern baldness.

In truth, I don’t want to declare war on anything. My good time shouldn’t ruin yours. I just don’t want to participate in the same Christmas you do. That’s the point. You see, I think you should be able to celebrate the holiday your particular way, and that particular way should not be imposed on others. Like most “traditions,” I believe Christmas can change based on social mores. As we evolve, so should our holidays.

And Sarah? Thomas Jefferson just informed me that he agrees with me on this. So do Nostradamus and Albert Einstein.

May the power of the Festivus Pole help you with your verbal diarrhea issue.

Happy Holidays,