CandlesHey baby.

No, not the baby. I was talking to you. Yes, you! Put the baby down. Let’s- no, she’s crying but she’s fine, she just… here, just here, let me take her. Oh god, she needs a diaper change. Oh god that stinks.

Where were we? Oh yeah. Hey. You look good. Have you been working out? Ha, I know. I was kidding. But seriously. Is that a rabbit in your pocket or are you happy to see me? WINK, WINK. Oh… it IS a rabbit. Kiddo was looking for that everywhere yesterday. Ew, what is all over it? Gross, it’s like gum or something. And hair. Hold on, I’m going to go throw this in the hamper. I don’t know if it’s salvageable at this point.

Kiss me. Wait – let me take these Crest White Strips out. They do? Yeah, I didn’t know if it’d work or not, but you think so? Oh good, they were expensive!

Damn baby, you smell good. What is that? What is this? It’s wet. Icy-Hot? What happened? When? Are you ok? Do you want me to make you an appointment? Well just don’t let it go too long. And don’t sit on the couch, you’ll stain it.

Here we are, on the couch. The kids are in bed. We’re deep into season two of Louie. You’re rubbing my feet. Mmm, you know I like that. You look at me with hunger in your eyes. “Did you put the rest of the chili in the fridge yet,” you ask.

“No, it’s still out. Do you want me to get you some?”

Our eyes lock for what feels like an eternity. “No,” you whisper softly, “It’ll just give me gas.”

You know just what I like, too, baby. It’s Sunday morning and I still haven’t put on a bra. You take the kids to the park so I can watch half the Bears game by myself. Oh god… OH GOD!!!

Mmmm, your turn, baby. I’m going to make this all about you right now. Kiss. You know what I did? I bought some Autumn perennials from my checking account, not the joint one. My treat. You like that? Yeah, I know you like that.

I was a naughty girl, too. They all weren’t even on sale.

It’s already 10:30. If we’re going to have sex, we should go now. Or we can watch another episode of Homeland. Yeah, I kinda want to see what happens, too.

What’s your fantasy… football team looking like? I’m in second place right now, if I win, we can totally put the money toward some annuals, too. You know the ones that looks like cabbages? Oh, they are cabbages? That’s weird. Well I like them.

I just watched 2.5 hours of Caillou. If we’re having sex later, it’s going to be Angry Sex.

But let’s keep our shirts on in case one of them walks in. No, they won’t! Don’t worry, it’s fine. Just five minutes, come on.

Goddamn it. What sweetie? No, I don’t know where Pink Bunny is. Not with Yellow Bunny? Downstairs? I can’t get it now, I’m… we’ll get it in the morning. No, she won’t be scared in the dark by herself, she’s fine. She’s… ok fine, give me a second.

I’m back, baby. It took me twenty minutes to find Pink Bunny and get Kiddo back in bed but- are you awake? Babe?

Good morning, sexy. Oh, sorry, I didn’t brush last night. No, come on, I don’t want to get up. Unless you come with me. Come on. We can do it in the bathroom real quick. Hurry, before they get up.

Mmmm, that’s hot, babe. Right there. Oh yeah. Oh god… oh god look at all the hair on the floor! No, really! Is that from me? Jesus, that can’t be normal! That’s so gross! But THAT much! Do you think I should get it checked? It could be a thyroid thing or something. No, keep going, don’t stop! I’m sorry. No really, I’ll shut up.

Ok, well. Let’s hop in the shower real quick. We can do it in there.

Ha. No.

YEAH? GIVE US A MINUTE, SWEETIE! BECAUSE WE’RE… WE’RE BRUSHING OUR TEETH! Damn it.

We’re out of coffee.

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