I have a love/hate relationship with holiday gift guides, mainly because a lot of what people put into gift guides is way out of my price range. Also, I find that I often object to their lists of “must-haves” because let’s face it, must-haves are water, food, air, and shelter, not someone’s pick for the year’s hottest eyeliner that’s $50 for one thin little stick. Besides, I’ll bet someone on Pinterest can teach you to create that very eyeliner out of a used matchstick, some ground-up kale, and a dollop of coconut oil.

So here’s my own holiday gift guide, presented in the grumpy spirit which always lurks somewhere in my psyche whenever I have a shitload of shopping to do. I realize it is the proverbial last minute, so I don’t know if you can actually get any of these by this Christmas, but they are awesome so you should just buy them ahead of time and then you’ll be ready for next year. Unless, like me, you might completely forget where you hid them.

Thanks and credit go to the lovely and equally grumpy L. for supplying me with two of these suggestions via Gchat one day when we were both “working” at the same time.

  • A tee shirt/mug/Christmas ornament with an inappropriate picture of the recipient on it. And I don’t mean inappropriate as in naked because naked isn’t creative. I’m talking about a photo of someone who just woke up to find you unexpectedly taking his picture, for example, or a picture of someone taking a picture of his own car. (These are just two ideas that may or may not have been taken from real life.)
  • These amazing notebooks for writing down, in detail, exactly what is pissing you off and why. You must also print out that angry old man picture to attach to the gift.
  • This squirrel feeder because what grouchy person wouldn’t love to watch an animal try to escape from another animal’s plastic head?
  • These knives because then your gift recipient can say she’s cut things with rainbows.
  • This adorable midieval catapult kit for someone who thinks that catapults these days just aren’t made the way they used to be, and maybe wants to shoot something small at the neighborhood cat.
  • A Festivus pole that is just the right size to be easily portable so that you can air your grievances everywhere.
  • The Fawlty Towers series because John Cleese is magnificent in his ability to be rude and idiotic to people’s faces instead of just behind their backs. Take some inspiration from the master before your next verbal jousting match.
  • Obviously, the Portable Curmudgeon books themselves.

If you didn’t find what you’re looking for in this list, you could try this guide to horrible gift guides, which does an excellent job making fun of multiple popular gift guides. I read along, chuckling at the folly of man and also the fact that this anti-gift guide is also rather a gift guide itself, until I realized I actually wanted something on one of the lists. How embarrassing. (I’ll leave you to guess which thing I want.)

Happy holidays, everyone!