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Greetings from the frozen white wasteland that is the greater Boston area. I’m considering escaping to a warmer climate, but I’m too paralyzed by fear of the killer icicles lurking everywhere to make a run for it.

Thanks to all this snow (we’re at about 7 feet, but my backyard is under about 12 feet, in case you were wondering), we’ve been stuck inside. A lot. Really, far too much. My kids’ cabin fever has reached a frenzied pitch and my patience an all-time low, but on the upside, I discovered a great comic book to read to them that combines my love of martial arts and rabbits: Erik Craddock’s Stone Rabbit, Vol. 5: Ninja Slice. It’s about a rabbit who’s trying to prevent his friend’s pizza place from going out of business due to a rival chain run by ninja, and it contains this epic illustration and the ideal job description of the Ninja Slice owner:

Who wouldn't want this job?

Who wouldn’t want that job title? Imagine how intimidating it would look on a business card.

But ninja rabbits and pizza shoguns aside, we have read multiple books, watched lots of TV, played an absurd amount of video games, built at least six Lego creations that were subsequently smashed and rebuilt, and baked biscotti. We’ve played in the snow when the wind chill wasn’t into the negative 20s, and even made an igloo that unfortunately collapsed when my son fell onto it (and directly onto my husband’s head). We are seriously out of ideas, and we have two or three more storms headed at us over the next week. So I decided to do a little tally to see who’s winning this Boston winter, us or the snow.

  • Height: The snow now has almost two feet on me: point, the snow.
  • Strength: The snow has a cold, quiet weight to it, but I can groin kick pretty hard and the snow doesn’t know how to block: point, me.
  • Ice dams: We are frightened but cautiously optimistic because we don’t have as many icicles as most other houses and our roof shows no signs of leaking….yet: point, me.
  • Parking: With the help of a snowblower and a Bobcat, parking in our driveway is not pretty but it’s possible; everywhere else though, it’s abysmal: point, the snow.
  • Public transit: Hahahahaha! It will probably be so unpleasant to use, if it even works: point, the snow.
  • Driving: Yeah, maybe don’t try that either; even if you avoid the 20-car pileup, you might get sideswiped by a delivery truck trying to squeeze down a narrow Cambridge street like we did: point, the snow.
  • School cancellations: Whether having 6 snow days by mid-February is good or bad depends on the age of the person you ask, obviously: draw.
  • Creativity: I’m trying with my suggested art, science, and baking projects, but I’m getting to the end of my false enthusiasm, and the snow is trying too, drifting in strange patterns with the wind and melting into icicles that look like skinny waterfalls stretching the entire length of a three-story building (sorry, no photo of that one): point, the snow.
  • Ability to cause a psychotic break: Since I saw my neighbor out shoveling in shorts and sneakers the other day, whereas he has never seemed bothered by me in the least, I have to say: point, the snow.
  • Ability to enjoy self: Some might argue that the snow is enjoying itself mightily and about to cause the breakdown of society, but I don’t think it’s sentient yet, and at my house, we still have heat and Nutella cake and wine and got to binge-watch “The Fall,” so: point, me.

In the final tally, what we have here is the snow winning the winter with 6 points to my 3. If only I could get as excited as local meteorologist Jim Cantore over the thundersnow, maybe I’d stand a chance to catch up. (Seriously, watch the video, if only to see the amount of ice frozen into his facial hair.)

I guess there’s nothing for me to do but stock up on the essentials, such as alcohol, adult snowpants, a roof rake, and a flamethrower to clear a path to the driveway next time; pick a new show to binge-watch; and sit tight til spring. Maybe I’ll get lucky and the bunnies will make room for me in their cuddly-looking box. Laying on the floor in the sun is the only way to cure these winter blues.

Stella and Ella pretending they're on a beach.

Stella and Ella pretending they’re on some tropical shore.

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