Tags
dating, Emily Maynard teeth, I have to stop dating assholes, OK Cupid, OK Cupid Enemies, OK Cupid horror stories, OK Cupid is the worst, OkC, sex, shoplifting the pootie, single-mother dating, women
Oh man, you guys. Dating is the WORST.
Wait. Let’s back up a minute.
Am I supposed to be dating? I mean, I don’t really want to. I am truly so happy just sitting. I work a billion hours a week and the rest of the time I am either, you know, raising a tiny human being or watching TV. But people are making it sound like I should be dating. It’s funny. After getting out of my super horrible relationship early last year and moving in with my parents, I was surprised at how many of my friends were like, “Don’t worry, you’ll find someone else really soon!” At that point, that thought never even entered my mind. Someone else? Jesus NO. I just want to sit and eat an entire box of Big Cheez-Its by myself in the bathtub and be LEFT THE HELL ALONE. The last thing I want to do is go make small talk with some dude and even give half a damn about coming off as “nice” or “normal” or even “datable” or if I have crumbs on my shirt after I down this entire loaf of garlic bread BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF THERE IS FOOD.
And the deeper stuff, the “let’s talk about our past relationships” and what you’re “looking for.” Honestly? I’d be happy to go out for a steak dinner once in awhile and have an actual naked penis touching me again and not have to drive more than 30 miles to get it, ugh. SORRY, GUYS IN THE CITY. My car’s pushing 120,000 miles on it as it is.
And then there’s this. I am just too lazy to even care. What’s that? Are my legs too hairy for you? Oh, I’m sorry, I’ll just put my pants back on. What? No, you say? You’ll power through? How good of you.
And do NOT even ask me about my kid. I don’t know what it is, but the thought of discussing my child with a strange man makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. And the idea of dating some dude who wants to, like, actually meet my kid? Play that whole game? No. Not going to happen. And that is only because I can imagine a scenario where we’re all out, say, playing at the park, and Kiddo and some other kid get into a toddler dispute over a toy in the sandbox or something, and New Boyfriend decides to intervene and says “No, Kiddo! You come over here and stop that right–” and then his face explodes into a spray of bloody, shredded flesh and hair by the sheer force of my Overly Protective Single-Mother Rage. OH HELL NO YOU WON’T DISCIPLINE MY CHILD, GUY WHO I LET PUT HIS PENIS IN ME SOMETIMES.
Or the divorced single-father types who are all “So you’re a good diaper changer by now I bet?” and “I bet our kids would love each other!” and “Do you like to cook?” Read: I NEED A STEPMOTHER FOR MY KIDS BECAUSE DEAR GOD I CANNOT DO THIS ALONE I AM AFRAID OF THEM HELP ME.
No thanks.
So I guess you can say I’m not “ready to date” yet.
But then again, it would be nice to go out once in awhile with someone and eat. See a movie. Hold hands? Maybe I should be dating? I think I’m perfectly fine now, but what if I feel like dating in ten years? I mean, I am sure I’ll still be super fucking hot when I’m 45, but what if my vagina has dried up and fallen off by then? Can it do that? I think others are more uncomfortable with me not dating than I am. “Don’t worry,” said one well-intentioned individual, “You’re still young and pretty, you won’t have trouble getting a date, even if you do have a kid!”
Now I feel like Emily Maynard of The Bachelor/The Bachelorette fame.
“Hi, y’all, I’m Emily. I just want y’all to know that I’ve got a kid from my dead race car babydaddy and she is the center of my world, y’all. And the man who I am going to give this final rose to is gonna hafta be someone who sees her as not ‘baggage,’ but a BONUS, y’all. Because WE’RE A PACKAGE DEAL, Y’ALL. I need to be a role model to her, y’all. A stunningly beautiful role model who’s teeth may or may not just be one big tooth that wraps all the way around my mouth. Got that, y’all?”
Dating as a single mother is a whole other bag of meat. Before I would date just about anyone. What’s the worst that can happen? Now, I have to have “standards.” That makes it much, much more difficult. I am supposed to look out for dudes who just want to shoplift the pootie:
Ok but maybe I want to get my pootie shoplifted? Can I just put a big sign on the pootie? “Free?” “Free Pootie?” “Free Pootie To A Decent Someone Who Isn’t Looking For Anything Too Serious, Just Dinner And Occasional Genital Shoplifting?”
Fuck it. I signed up to OK Cupid. I know it’s skeezy but it’s free and I’m certainly not going to pay to market my pootie. So I signed up to see what would happen. What was even out there these days?
Apparently THIS is out there:
Much, much younger guys who are all about hitting you over the head with their sexual escapades right from the get go. Because they’ve just started “exploring their sexuality” and now they think they’ve invented it. Hi, I’m John and BOOM BLOWJOBS FOR DUDES! Not that I’m not all about dudes blowing each other, because I am. It’s more just about leaving that until at least date number two.
And then there’s this:
Um. What?
And then there’s this gem from a 21-year old writing in white, me in blue:
I call that one, “Dead Grandma Love.” ❤ ❤ ❤
I seemed to be getting a lot of messages from much younger guys and was wondering where all the older men were. And then I found one from a lovely 62-year old:
Perhaps I could be the companion of his dreams. And after corresponding we could have discussions on the telephone and transactions in public which might eventual lead to sexual intercourse within the confines of a private residence. I guess I can’t really make fun of this one, as it’s generally a very nice form email, probably blasted out to everyone within a 60 mile radius. And I would like to see his collection of concert photos he’s taken over the years. He’s right. I am interested. I don’t know who Roger Hodgson is though, but I can’t judge because that’s how the last two 21-year olds probably felt when I talked about Soundgarden or something. I’m not sure where he got the “Lipstick Lover,” however, as I assure you it’s not my name. I wish I had thought of it, as it sounds more mysterious than “Covered In Baby Poop.” But the next dude made Grandpa look like a a viable alternative:
Where. To. Start. First of all, you look like one of The Blues Brothers, and not in a good way. Second of all… you know what? No. I’ve addressed this enough.
This is just the tip of the iceberg. If you need us, me and my dusty vagina will be on the couch with our box of Big Cheez-Its.
Please feel free to share your awesome OkC stories with me. Because I KNOW you have them. Please. NO REALLY, PLEASE LET ME KNOW I’M NOT ALONE IN THIS.
(Emily Maynard’s Perfect Image courtesy of abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelorette/)
5cities6women 
Yes. Yes so much.
…maybe consider omitting those men’s pictures when you paste the chats, lest your photo show up on a bunch of random blogs. and even if it doesn’t, probably best to omit pictures of other people unless you have their express permission
You know what? I agree with you. I’m gonna edit them out.
Except for that Blues Brothers Wisconsin douche. He can deal.
Oh I have them saved on an old blog! Here’s one from 2008. Sounds like OcK hasn’t gotten less creepier.
[Okay before I go to bed please read this message I just got from this 40 year old dude on OKCupid
“You look like the perfect partner in crime. You have a hundred different looks, could go deep under cover at a moment’s notice.
On top of that, with your wicked accent, you can easily slip in and out of personalities.
What other talents do you have that could assist an agent?”]
And this one
[“So the smurf told me a secret about you…
…and I’m wondering if it’s true.”]
I actually really like the under cover one! That’s sort of my idea of a perfect date.
I love you. Minus the single mother aspect, I am in the same place. Pursuing too much else and working too much to date, too lazy, no motivation. My last breakup was enough. And where’s all the men wooing us ladies with flowers and romantic courtships? My mother always told me to watch out, I’d have men knocking down the door, and that I ought to be picky. Well I’m picky alright, but my door gets very little knocking.
I’ve had some gems on OKC, too. It really is the worst.
It’s a jungle out there. But everything is better when you can laugh about it. 🙂
*sigh*
It’s funny that you’re blaming a dating site for skeevy dudes hitting on you.
I was on OKC for about 2 months before I found my current girlfriend. We’ve been together for a year and 3 days as of this post.
I also have a kid, and I was also going through some nonsense before I made my OKC profile.
Now, there’s no way to say this without sounding like a COMPLETE A-hole, so I’ll just put it bluntly…
1- If your catching fish you don’t want, have you considered the bait your using?
Before I made a profile, I did research on what would make my profile look good, and land the women I wanted to date. I didn’t put my child on my profile, I made sure to take several pictures of just myself (though, I’m not looking away from the camera… studies show that attracts more women, but whatever…), and I made a profile that seemed like a sales pitch vs a hostage negotiation (ACTUAL example- “Don’t message me if you wear blue shirts, love star wars, or don’t use the oxford comma!” I told her to enjoy her 12 cats and pint of mint chocolate ice cream.)
Try crafting your profile find the guy you want… unless (and I get this vibe) you don’t really care to do so. If so, then….
2- Give a F*CK
“So I guess you can say I’m not “ready to date” yet.”
Then don’t. Don’t let the denizens of horny bachelors on the net fool you, you aren’t ding the dating world a favor by offering half harted “pootie” for an every now and then steak dinner that you don’t have to drive to the city for.
W8 till you’re GOOD and ready, or better still, be comfortable in the notion that you may NEVER find anyone, and THEN go into the dating scene (or OKC in this case) with a clear head and 0 fear of tripping over weirdos on the net to find mr. Porterhouse.
Only a bad hunter blames his/her weapons. Don’t be that chick. ESPECIALLY don’t be that chick that insults a guy that genuinely wanted to make a connection with you but he’s too young/old/awkward, cause karma might find YOU with 12 cats and on your 3rd pint of mint chocolate chip ben and jerry’s.
Good luck, and I hope this helps.
HA!
I don’t think you sound like a complete asshole. Not a complete one, at least. But it’s decent advice for someone who hasn’t seen my profile to begin with so is making quite a few assumptions. And decent advice for someone looking for The One.
That, however, is not me. But I would encourage those who are looking for The One to heed your excellent advice.
xo
PS, Ending up alone with 12 cats and on a 3rd pint of mint chocolate chip ben and jerry’s is a BAD thing? Because OMG HEAVEN. Minus the cats, ew. Can’t you date a guy AND have the cats and ice cream, too? Or is it strictly an either/or deal?
Each nugget of advice is like a terrible turd falling into the toilet bowl. Splosh splosh.
There is nothing a woman can do to stave away creepy, unsolicited (and no, simply being on a dating site does not make all correspondence solicited) messages from men.
The OP was polite about it, but it doesn’t take away from how much you do sound like a condescending asshole.
I’ve got a lot of gems, but a rap I received is my personal favorite. Here are some highlights:
“I’ve got a predisposition towards beautiful women/a specific affliction known as chocolate addiction”
“When it’s time for desert please serve me chocolate cakes/no need for utensils I want them smashed on my face”
“My wife will directly reflect my success/like a black card my afrikan American Express/she’s all that I need tucked inside my wallet/with a pocket full of dimes made out of chocolate”
“I’ve got a chocolate addiction I’m a chocolate fiend/and there’s only one cure I need a chocolate queen”
Wow. Maybe he should be on the Fannie May website instead?
So here I am reading this article, waiting for you to yammering on about how awesome you are and how everyone sucks. I read most of your article because blew my mind that you’re actually a person allowed pass your views on to, not ONLY the readers of a website that people actually come to, but then a CHILD. Did you even look at anything that you read from those guys before you took out your penis slaying pen? What the hell man? So here’s what YOU missed because your vagina was inflamed…
as far as the young guy.. he’ll probably be someone you WISH you were with in 5 -10 years. Yeah being younger is going to be a down side to him, but the over emphasis of way by throwing in so many a’s made you a dick. Period. End of story. He then came back at you with a rather mature response to a pretty childish “have a nice day” .. to which YOU replied..” I’m going to tell you so many things because I’m older and wiser ” ( you couldn’t be more wrong) – and then gracefully points out the error in your so called wisdom. ” I did suck a dick once and if someone I meet isn’t ok with that, then I don’t want to be with her” This is what women often refer to as ” I want someone who loves me for me” so here, you’ve went and tossed aside a person who is comfortable with who he is and is ok with himself.
On to radiohead guy? yeah .. I don’t know.. that’s just dumb so I’ll give ya this guy as a negative .. tally so far 1-1
The skinning cat guy – –
Here you are just instigating a kid, first off, you can NOT go and review the childishness of a website like OkC and THEN answer a very simple question like ” what are you up to tonight” with “skinning cats” why would ANYONE take you seriously after that? You can’t say something like that and then expect a person to be honest, or sincere in anyway. He’s simply engaging in your silly game, hoping you have a sense of humor. Why hold a comment like “wait for my grandma to die” in disgust, after you said skinning cats. Not ONLY did he play your game, but the kid actually said he didn’t want to have sex! That’s probably REALLY what pissed you off. I have no idea what you look like or even care, but I can imagine that on your profile is a picture, and you kind of took it as an insult that he would be OK going to a bar and NOT boning you. You figured here’s this horny little kid, he’s going to want to touch my boobies and look at my “pootie” ( seriously not even going to BEGIN to say how sick it is that you’re on a modern blog posting and quoting lines from that movie)
Grandpa is well.. grandpa and since you didn’t consider him a true negative to the site… well.. I’m up 3-1
The next dude.. I’m going to call this one a draw. Why? Well, you’re on freggin OKcupid, what do you expect? It’s a free site, and it’s free for guys. There are no real set up things involved ( from what I understand, I’ve honestly never been on this site) It’s just expected that with any free site like that, you’d get a few dudes trying to just have sex. You know something.. I bet he’s been laid more than you in the month preceding this article.. again, because he’s honest. No bullshit.
“hey wanna bone?”
“no”
“sure?”
“yep”
“ok, later.”
Final score 3-1-1
You lose.
Further, Your whole grand entrance about being a single mother and not wanting a guy to meet your kid or discipline them. Is worn out, besides being a load of bullshit. Perhaps if you got off the horse you’re on, thinking that you’re the greatest thing to happen to parent hood ever, you’d realize that. The guy that wants to meet your kid, or has a kid themselves, may just in fact be looking to try to get to know you a tad better. He may say “oh hey this chick has a kid, maybe if I meet her child it will be a little more than I know about her”
Look bottom line, there is a ditsy woman stereotype that some women think are just want guys want. Blonde, big boobs, and just stay at home cooking and cleaning. The occasionally “tee hee” at a joke, while she quietly sips another glass of white zinfandel to muster up the courage to have sex with her overweight hairy husband, only lasting a few minutes before he rolls off her and snores himself to tomorrow. Then there is the woman that is YOU. The complete opposite side of the spectrum. Guys don’t want anything to do with you, because you can’t admit that some where in you, you want a guy to kill a spider for you, or change a light bulb or know that if your car got a flat, he’d be there to come fix it for you. No one is saying you can’t do it. No one is saying that you don’t know how to change a tire, or call AAA, but it’s nice to be taken care of now and then. So, maybe JUST maybe, if you went on a date with the 21 year old, or the grandma kid, or even the 62 year old. Perhaps, you might come to find that the world isn’t OUT TO GET YOU. Guys don’t want to just use you and walk away from it. Some guys, actually give a shit about people. Just because you can’t get over a relationship from over almost a year ago, don’t take it out on the pool of guys that are on a website. It’s lame.
Just so you know before you start yapping again… I’m a 33 year old (divorced, then re-married) guy. With a child. I did go on to various dating sites, often chose to meet women who had children, not so they’d change diapers for me, but because they knew what having a kid was and wouldn’t get upset if my sitter canceled. I later, bowed out of the whole internet dating scene, because well, there are women like you out there.
Wow, that’s a lot of words. Thanks for reading! xo
That is a quite the novella chock full of assumptions.
“just stay at home cooking and cleaning. The occasionally ‘tee hee’ at a joke, while she quietly sips another glass of white zinfandel to muster up the courage to have sex with her overweight hairy husband, only lasting a few minutes before he rolls off her and snores himself to tomorrow.” Uh, hell yeah. Sign me up for that one.
i feel your pain. one time, i got this:
Hello there
My name is Michael. I have read your profile and you sound like you could prove be interesting heh. I’m looking to see what the world has to offer, and whom I will offer myself to back. I do like write various things in my spare time and don’t watch a ton of TV. I haven’t published anything yet, but I enjoy doing it. Just prove I’m not saying this just pretend I’ll show you somethnig I wrote awhile back.
If you only knew…
If you only knew what your love means to me.
How much my life is incomplete like a world with out a sea.
I wish for your embrace more than anything I can receive
No matter who you re with, its in our love I believe
If you only knew the length I go for you
I’d climb the highest mountain if that’s what I had to do.
If you only had for me one moment, one precious night
I’d find a way to forever block the suns light.
I wish somehow things were different that I was the one
I wish you’d see me for more for all the things I’ve done.
So I want your happiness no matter where you may go
But I fear its my love you may never know.
I write whatever I am feeling at the time, I tend be in happier spirits as of late. I’m working hard going to school and working, but I feel like I’m acomplishing something. May be if things work out you might inspire me to write something about you. I can only hope. Best of luck in your quest for happiness- Michael
This. Is art.
No shit, I had a guy try to date while under house arrest for his 3rd DUI. His approach? ‘I can’t meet you anywhere b/c I’m under house arrest, but you can come to my place and I’ll cook you dinner and we can watch a movie (but you have to pick it up).’
That is ROMANTIC. I bet he was a real good cook. Or at least had a Netflix account. See, that is actually something I would consider at this stage. Nights in.
I love this post! I am the older version of you!! I actually wrote a blog post last summer about okCupid and my experience, I’ll link it at the bottom if you’d like to read it, it has a happy ending…I’m 49(!!!!), I know super-old, and I have two teenage kids and I live in fear of not growing old alone, but of drying out and closing up, so I decided to try on-line dating (with the sole purpose of getting some bone)…I haven’t had romantic impulses in a long time because my past experiences have left me pretty scared! I wish you luck in the dating world and it’s good to get out there but don’t be afraid to be on your own either (I can tell you’re not)…here’s my okCupid story:
http://mytorontoeh.com/2012/06/25/the-tale-with-a-happy-ending-of-the-mudflap-angel/
Thanks for sharing!
OkC was a wonderful reminder of how misogynistic most men actually are. They’re also mostly stupid. OkC is really great blog fodder, though. So that’s a plus.
I did meet some cool dudes on there, but I had to weed through a lot of bullshit to actually find them.
Very true. And I’m sure men can say the same thing, too. It’s universal bullshittery… I’m just telling my end.
I love everything about this.
ps. I met my wife on OKC. It is funny, but actually true.
I’ve had some awesome boyfriends from OkC, too. There are wonderful people AND asshats everywhere. 🙂
OkC is an interesting place for us ‘more experienced’ gents. For those of us who have been out of the scene for say, 20+ years, I must admit – I didn’t like dating as a younger man, and sites like OkC/Match.com/JDate/eHarmony/etc. don’t make me particularly fond of it now.
It seems exceedingly difficult to be to be honest without sounding corny or desperately trying to get laid. Yet for those like me, who aren’t marriage inclined, the idea of someone to share my life, my fortunes, and my honor with, and who’ll share her’s with me seems like a worthy pursuit.
There is certainly a way to be honest and direct and still respectful and ethical. And all jokes aside, I personally find a majority of users of any of these sites do a good job of that. And it IS a worthy pursuit. 🙂
LOL this made my day. i once i had a guy tell me, opening message, along with so many other quite interesting things – how he liked to play his instrument to his cats and that i remind him of his cats and how he hopes he could play for me with them to dance to … i wish i still has that message. ill try to find it.
i also met someone off their who will forever be known as ‘the petter’. literally, the entire movie and date stroking my arm from shoulder to tip of fingers over, and over, and over… then to my hair… then my thigh… next date bought me 4 gifts and made me a mix cd of love songs. i literally had to kick him out after not getting the hint i had work in the morning and begging me to ‘just cuddle’ (in a creepy way). he then hugged me for no joke, 4 minutes. without saying a word or breaking said hug. and that’s the night i deleted my okc account.
I think The Cat Guy and The Petter need to get together. I mean, obviously.
What part of Chicago are you from?
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